I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
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him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!