my proudest tweet
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Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
This story is comedy gold 😂
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*