Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
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[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
lmfao come on
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.