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interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
How does one answer this?
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games