Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
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[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Midwest trash talk
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.