A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
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Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty