Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
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My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.