Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
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It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*