My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
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U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what