If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
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Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it