Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
You Might Also Like
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.