thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
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Have a lovely day 😊
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.