Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
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I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters