Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
You Might Also Like
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Your secret is safeish with me
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?