Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
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Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead