it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
You Might Also Like
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.