In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
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Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
titanic
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.