“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
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How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.