My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
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“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
titanic
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics