Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
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My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate