Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
You Might Also Like
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
LOL
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.