if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
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Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*