*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
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I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Love this one 😂🧟
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.