Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
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Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
The cashier just checked me out.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Love is in the air fryer.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon