I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
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Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
🦝🔥🦝🔥