Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
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We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
why isn’t he texting back
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
my proudest tweet
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening