Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
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War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
his wife is probably gonna see that
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.