Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
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All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.