[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
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just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
my dog when i have a friend over
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: