Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
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I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
I bet birds love this building.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.