“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
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Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants