The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
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hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Her: She鈥檚 a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I鈥檒l give you $100 if you go to bed.
Me: [2013] I don鈥檛 trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we鈥檙e moving in together to become paranormal investigators
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
My blood type is coffee.
Looking through 15鈥檚 yearbook:
Me: you鈥檇 crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
馃槖
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won鈥檛 approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Me: can鈥檛 I have to go see my therapist
Them: you鈥檝e got to stop calling your bed that
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
There鈥檚 no problem you can鈥檛 solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.