The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
You Might Also Like
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.