“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
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Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Get in loser we’re going crying
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they