Sending in my taxes
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This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
That’s fair
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.