Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
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Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Wednesday
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.