Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
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I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Why are bridges so flammable.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.