I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
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The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Bed should get ready for ME
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
I did not eat the cake…
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”