[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
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Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
But that’s none of my business
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam