Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
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My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.