The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
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10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
You wish you had this many chins.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.