If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
You Might Also Like
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
The pasta is now
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.