[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
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I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor