In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
You Might Also Like
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
I’d use my best pan on you.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat