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Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.