graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
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Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
I created you as mosquito food.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.