Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
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me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep