What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
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cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
back to work
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..