My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
You Might Also Like
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired