[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
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We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
my nickname in college
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.